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Some people thought I’d appreciate Tommy Cooper web humour for my birthday!

Some people thought I’d appreciate Tommy Cooper web humour for my birthday!

I reached my annual birthday in April. As you get older, it’s less of an occasion to celebrate anything except survival, what you should have learned and what you still plan to achieve in the diminishing time remaining.

Some of my friends, sent me funny stuff.  I used to get it within cards, now it’s from the web. Bear in mind my earlier blog about friends  – Are Friends That We Only Communicate With Digitally, Actually Real Friends At All?  (12 November 2013).

Still it’s the thought that counts.

And what is the point of an internet avalanche of funnies if you’re still going to queue up at Tesco to buy me an actual card from their Value range?

No, no. So here are some of the jokes people emailed me to mark my birthday!

SEX AT 68 (note: I am not 68!)

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 68.
I’m so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it’s the same side of the street.
I don’t even have to cross the road!

~~~~~

Answering machine message,”I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

~~~~~

My wife and I had words,but I didn’t get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you’re  old enough to know your way around,
you’re not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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And then another friend thought my level of humour was Tommy Cooper-like. so emailed the following gags:

1. Two blondes walk into a building …….. you’d think at least one of  them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message – ‘…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you  can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’. ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’ ‘It’s not unusual.’

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’ ‘No, because he’s really heavy’.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it..’

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat b*****d!’

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’. The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore!

21. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

************************************************************************************************************************
Then, from somebody else:

ROMANCE

An  older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling  asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to  talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting..”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me..”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck…”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked..

“To get my  teeth!”
_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many  decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and  adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a  few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time but I just can’t think of your name.. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
_____________________________________

SENIOR  DRIVING

As  a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang..  Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ” Vernon  , I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on  the M25. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Vernon , “It’s not just one car.. It’s hundreds of the buggers!”
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was  running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair,  flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”

He sat silently for a moment or two and  finally answered, “I’ll have the soup.”
_____________________________________
DRIVING

Two  elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely  see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to  major crossroads. The stop light was red, but they just went on  through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself  “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next  junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.  So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know  that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have  killed us both!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”

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And finally, this which was both funny and serious:

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

And remember this:

“You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!”

By the way, yes, I had a good birthday, thanks!

Image: Darren Wyn Rees