There’ll Always Be a Job Application in the Working Future
It’s Been Jobs Week on MBF Blogs, so to finish it off, some funnies circulating on the net about that laborious, risky process – the job application.
B&Q JOB APPLICATION
This is an allegedly actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Kent. They hired him because he was so funny…
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?’
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes. absolutely.
Here’s a personal testimony from another store worker:
‘After landing my new job as a B & Q Greeter a good find for many retirees…. I lasted less than a day . .. . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, Tattooed Babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to B & Q.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “No, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7, why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone ******* you twice….Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.’
And lastly, a few labelled THEY WALK AMONG US:
They Walk among us
BE VERY WARY
Just scroll down
IDIOT SIGHTING #1
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a
20 pence piece. She said, ‘You gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said ‘We’re sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.’
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..
Do not confuse the staff.
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough
motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two..’
We haven’t used Garador repair since. Supposedly happened near Watford.
IDIOT SIGHTING #3
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the ‘DEER CROSSING’ sign
on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
Story allegedly from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered something. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
From South Oxhey, Hertfordshire. Allegedly.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
Apparently happened at Luton Airport
IDIOT SIGHTING #6
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it’s on red and safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She is a County Council employee in Middlesex. So it is said.
IDIOT SIGHTING #7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, it’s open!’
His reply: ‘I know. I already did that side.’
This was at the Ford dealership in Hertfordshire. Yeah?
They walk among us… people in all sorts of jobs!